MALE REPORTER: AN ACCIDENT ON THE Q.E. WEST AT TRAFALGER HAS TRAFFIC...
YOU GUYS ARE ON YOUR OWN FOR BREAKFAST.
AND LUNCH, AND SUPPER.
AND EVERY MEAL AFTER THAT.
WE COUNT ON YOU, EM.
I COUNT ON YOU.
AND WHAT A SUPER JOB I'M DOING.
SPIKE: YOU ARE.
LOOK, I GOTTA GO OR I'LL BE LATE
GETTING JACK TO DAY CARE.
SNAKE CALLED AGAIN.
HOW NICE FOR HIM.
I... AM... SO... FAT.
DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT FAT,
I'M THE FAT ONE IN THIS HOUSE.
ALL THIS FAST FOOD,
NO WONDER I'VE GAINED ALL THIS WEIGHT.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I HAVE A MEETING WITH BERNICE FEIN ON FRIDAY
AND I CAN'T EVEN FIT INTO MY LUCKY JEANS.
"DUMP THE LUMPS" BERNICE FEIN?
AS IN THE AGENT FROM HELL?
[SIGHS] IF SHE'S SATAN,
THEN THAT EXPLAINS WHY SHE'S THE BEST AGENT IN TOWN.
SHE CALLED BECAUSE SHE SAW ME IN THE KEVIN SMITH MOVIE,
WANTS TO AUDITION ME AGAIN. [GRUNT OF EFFORT]
CRISIS DOWN HERE!
LOOK AROUND YOU.
"CRISIS" IS ACTUALLY AN EPIDEMIC.
MY THIGHS ARE AN EPIDEMIC.
AND THEY'RE TAKING OVER THE WORLD.
WE ARE GOING TO TAKE CONTROL.
I AM GOING TO TAKE CONTROL.
♪ Whatever it takes
♪ I know I can make it through
♪ If I hold out
♪ I know I can make it through
♪ Be the best
♪ Be the best I can
♪ And I say to you
♪ Whatever it takes
♪ I know I can make it
♪ I know I can make it through
MANNY.
PIE CHARTS?
WE'VE DONE PIE CHARTS EVERY YEAR
SINCE GRADE FOUR.
IT'S A CHORE WHEEL.
MANNY: [SIGHS] OKAY, DOES IT HAVE LAUNDRY ON IT?
BECAUSE I'M OUT OF UNDERWEAR
AND THIS COMMANDO CHAFING IS KILLING ME.
NOT UP TO YOUR USUAL STANDARD.
OKAY, MANNY YOU ARE ON LAUNDRY.
I'M ON HOMEWORK
AND EXERCISE
AND GROCERY SHOPPING AND CLEANING
AND MOM MANAGEMENT.
THAT SHOULD BURN A FEW CALORIES.
I SINCERELY HOPE SO.
YOU'RE A STICK, AND YOU'RE INSANE.
MOM! I'M HOME!
MANNY: SHE'S WORKING LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BABY PEDICURE?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FAT IS IN ONE CHIP?
I BROUGHT YOU CELERY.
CELERY HAS NEGATIVE CALORIES
BECAUSE YOU BURN CALORIES WHILE YOU'RE CHEWING.
AND THIS...
I'M NOT EATING PAPER.
NO MATTER HOW MANY CALORIES IT BURNS.
IT'S A DIET DIARY.
WE MARK DOWN EVERY MORSEL THAT GOES INTO OUR MOUTHS.
GREAT. MORE HOMEWORK.
DO YOU WANT TO GET THIS AGENT?
THINK OF IT AS FUN.
THINK OF IT AS A CHALLENGE.
[UNENTHUSIASTIC] WOO-HOO, LET THE FUN BEGIN.
[BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE PLAYING]
♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET ♪
♪ B-B-BABY, NO, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET ♪
WITH A VOICE LIKE THAT?
IT'S NO WONDER "THE ZITS" NEVER WENT ANYWHERE.
DIANE AND SIMPSON: OHHH!
I'VE HEARD HIM SING IN THE SHOWER, SNAKE?
AND THE POT SHOULD REALLY STOP
CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.
SAUCY...
BUT A KEEPER.
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S KEEP THIS PARTY GOING.
I'VE GOT JUST THE NUMBER.
IT'S A CLASSIC LITTLE DITTY I LIKE TO CALL
"ROCK THE CASBAH".
[GIGGLES] [ENGLISH ACCENT] OY! KICK IT, MATE!
["SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH" PLAYS]
WHAT?
I DIDN'T...
THAT'S "SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH".
[SOFT CHUCKLE]
ABORT! ABORT!
HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
IT'S OUR SONG.
STUPID MACHINE.
SORRY SNAKE, UH...
BUTTONS GET MIXED UP SOMETIMES.
[MUSIC STOPS]
IT'S JUST THAT UH...
I MISS HER SO BAD, YOU KNOW?
I MISS MY FAMILY.
TOTAL CALORIES: 110.
TOTAL GRAMS OF FAT: 2.
TOTAL FLAVOUR: ZERO.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MATH
WHEN I'M STARVING?
I THINK MY STOMACH'S DIGESTING ITSELF.
BUT WE ARE NOT FEELING HUNGRY,
WE ARE FEELING LIGHT.
AS IN L-I-T-E?
OKAY, YOU NEED TO JOG ONE MILE
AT SIX MILES AN HOUR
TO BURN OFF 110 CALORIES.
OKAY, I'M GOING TO GET A DIET POP
AND PRETEND IT'S A MILKSHAKE.
PAIGE: OW!
UH... TWIGS AND BERRIES?
YOU GIRLS PRACTICING TO BE ON SURVIVOR?
IT'S CALLED A DIET.
MM... TOTALLY WISHING I HAD YOUR WILLPOWER.
WHEN BATHING SUIT SEASON COMES AROUND,
PREPARE TO BE HATED BY A JEALOUS ME.
SUDDENLY I'M STUFFED.
[LAUGHS] WHEN ARE WE RUNNING THAT MILE?
OR FIVE? [LAUGHS]
EMMA AND MANNY: [LAUGHING]
BOTH: [PANTING]
[LAUGHING]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING. I JUST FEEL ALL... FLOATY.
[LAUGHING]
ME TOO. IS THAT GOOD?
SOMEONE WANNA TELL ME THE PUNCHLINE?
SEE YOU INSIDE.
WHOA! EMMA.
YOU OKAY?
YOU GOT THE NEWBORN COLT LEGS THING GOING.
WE'RE TRAINING FOR CROSS-COUNTRY.
OH, WOW!
THAT'S-THAT'S GREAT, I HAD NO IDEA.
YEAH. THE THINGS YOU MISS WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR FAMILY.
SO HOW'RE THINGS AT JOEY'S?
GOOD. OKAY.
NOT TOO BAD.
TERRIBLE, ACTUALLY.
[EXHALES] I MISS YOU GUYS.
HAVE YOU TRIED TELLING MOM THAT?
I WOULD BUT THAT WOULD INVOLVE
HER ACTUALLY RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER IN PERSON?
COME OVER TONIGHT.
THINK YOUR MOM WOULD LIKE THAT?
MAYBE IF YOU MADE US DINNER LIKE YOU USED TO?
EMMA!
YOU ARE A GENIUS!
NOW THIS I COULD GET USED TO.
WHAT'S THE AH... WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
YOU HAVE A SURPRISE GUEST FOR DINNER.
A GUEST CHEF ACTUALLY.
SNAKE.
EMMA? TELL ME YOU DIDN'T.
WHAT, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE
A NICE HOME-COOKED MEAL, FOR ONCE.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR] I'LL GET IT!
SIMPSON: DUNH-NA-NA-NAH!
ONE ORDER OF VEGGIE MOUSSAKA.
EMMA'S OOEY-GOOEY FAVOURITE.
ACTUALLY UM,
MANNY AND I ARE GONNA GO FOR A WALK.
NO, GIRLS,
STAY.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO SET THE TABLE.
[SNIFFS] OH MY GOD, RICOTTA!
CREAM AND BUTTER AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT I SEE IN MY DREAMS.
WE HAVEN'T STARVED FOR TWO DAYS
JUST TO RUIN IT IN 10 MINUTES OF GLUTTONY.
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
WE SIT AT THE TABLE WITH MOM AND ARCHIE
AND TRY TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.
AND THE FOOD WE JUST PUSH AROUND YOUR PLATES.
[WATER DRIPS]
KITCHEN FAUCET'S STILL LEAKING, HUH?
I SHOULD GET MY WRENCH AND UH...
IT'S FINE, ARCHIE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WATER YOU'RE WASTING?
MY WRENCH IS DOWNSTAIRS-
JUST LEAVE IT! PLEASE.
THIS MOUSSAKA IS AMAZING.
EMMA, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU TOUCH YOURS.
EMMA: SURE I HAVE.
YOUR COOKING IS SOMETHING WE'VE REALLY MISSED AROUND HERE.
SIMPSON: WELL, I MISS COOKING FOR YOU GUYS.
I MISS A LOT OF THINGS.
SITTING HERE AT THIS TABLE,
I REALIZE THAT THIS IS WHERE I BELONG,
AND I NEVER SHOULD'VE LEFT.
YOU DIDN'T LEAVE, SNAKE.
I KICKED YOU OUT.
REMEMBER?
IT'S BEEN LONG ENOUGH, SPIKE. AND I...
I THINK I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON.
I'M READY TO COME HOME.
OH, AND THAT'S YOUR DECISION TO MAKE?
NO, IT'S OUR DECISION BUT YES, I HAVE A SAY IN IT.
YOU HAD YOUR SAY
AND IT INVOLVED ANOTHER WOMAN!
GIRLS...
I THINK YOU NEED TO GO TO YOUR ROOM.
SIMPSON: SPIKE, I CAME OVER HERE WITH A PEACE OFFERING
AND THIS IS WHAT I GET.
SPIKE: YOU THINK A PAN OF MOUSSAKA
IS GONNA MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER?!
SIMPSON: NO, I DON'T!
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD TRY TO BE CIVILIZED-
FIGHTING. ONLY FIGHTING.
FIGHTING'S A START, RIGHT?
IT'S BETTER THAN NOT TALKING AT ALL.
I GUESS. I JUST WISH I KNEW
HOW IT WAS GONNA TURN OUT.
I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
I AM GOING TO EXPLODE
FROM ALL THAT OOEY-GOOEY MOUSSAKEEY.
I WISH I WOULD EXPLODE.
WE COULD TRY AND RUN IT OFF.
IT'LL ONLY TAKE OH, SIX HOURS.
IF I MOVE, I'LL BARF.
IT CAN'T BE HEALTHY TO BE THIS FULL.
WE COULD GET RID OF IT.
LIKE HOW, PUKING?
ISN'T THAT KIND OF EXTREME?
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE PURGING.
MANNY; IT'S NOT CALLED PURGING,
IT'S CALLED BULIMIA.
DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC.
THESE ARE SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER, MANNY. COME ON.
[ANXIOUS SIGH]
NOW FOR THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
MANNY: COULD I GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST?
THAT'S GOTTA BE HALF A POUND.
[GASPS]
EM, I LOST THREE POUNDS!
THREE POUNDS IN FOUR DAYS!
[CHUCKLING]
I LOST THREE, THREE, THRE-
FOUR... POUNDS.
I LOST FOUR POUNDS?!
EM, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MY LIFESTYLE GURU.
LIKE BOB ON OPRAH!
OKAY, SO IF WE RESTRAIN OURSELVES TODAY
AND WORK OUT AFTER SCHOOL,
WE MIGHT BE UP TO FIVE POUNDS BY TOMORROW.
AH, NO-NO-NO.
THERE'S A BUTTER TART IN THE CAF
WITH MY NAME ON IT.
MANNY, NO.
IF WE'RE HAPPY WITH LESS THAN OUR GOAL,
WE'RE ONLY DISAPPOINTING OURSELVES.
YOU'VE GOT AN AGENT TO IMPRESS.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
OKAY, BOB.
JOEY: OKAY, I GOT IT.
CHANGE HER OIL.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU REALLY THINK DOING AN OIL CHANGE ON SPIKE'S CAR
IS GOING TO WIN HER BACK?
SNAKE, I'M SPIT-BALLING HERE, OKAY?
WORK WITH ME, BUDDY.
OKAY UH...
THE ROOF'S A MESS.
I COULD HELP REDO IT.
YES! AND YOU CAN GET ALL HOT AND SWEATY
WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.
CHICKS DIG THAT!
SEXY SNAKE!
SNAKE THE SEXY ROOFER! I LIKE IT!
DIANE: [EXASPERATED GASP] COME ON!
WOMEN DON'T WANT AN EPISODE OF "THIS OLD HOUSE".
THEY WANT A LITTLE ROMANCE.
THEY WANT TO KNOW THEY'RE SPECIAL.
SPIKE IS SPECIAL TO YOU, RIGHT?
SO PROVE IT.
SHOW HER WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
I DON'T KNOW THAT SPIKE'S THAT INTERESTED
WHAT'S IN MY HEART, RIGHT NOW.
DIANE: SHE WILL BE.
TRUST ME.
JUST REMIND HER WHY SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WOO HER.
PLEASE STOP SAYING MY NAME.
[LOUD WHISPER] STOP!
MANNY...
[EXHALES] MANNY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
UM, A LITTLE KNOWN FACT
IS THAT PEPPERONI SQUELCHES AUDITION STRESS.
THAT'S A LIE.
OKAY...
I'M JUST PLAIN NAKED HUNGRY!
HUNGER IS A FEELING, MANNY.
THIN IS A SKILL.
DAMAGE CONTROL TIME.
[LOCKER SLAMS]
MANNY: NO!
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.
MY JEANS STILL FIT, GENERAL.
MANNY, YOUR BODY IS A REFLECTION OF YOU.
THE AGENT IS GOING TO SEE THAT YOU'RE UNDISCIPLINED.
THE AGENT'S GOING TO SEE THAT I HAVE ENERGY
AND ROSY CHEEKS,
AND THAT I DON'T HAVE PUKE BREATH.
THIS IS SO "TYPICAL MANNY".
GIVE UP WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH.
IT'S ONE SLICE OF PIZZA, EM!
IT'S FAT AND STARCH AND GREASE.
WHY NOT JUST POUR POISON DOWN YOUR THROAT?!
[DRY CHUCKLE] OKAY.
THERE IS JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH CRAZY IN HERE.
[HARD THUD]
GIRL: WHAT'S GOING ON?
SOMEONE GET A TEACHER.
HATZILAKOS: EMMA?
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
EMMA?!
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SIT STILL.
NO, I'M JUST DIZZY, I THINK.
I THINK IT'S THE FLU OR SOMETHING.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
DID YOU EAT TODAY?
YES!
WHAT DID YOU EAT, EMMA?
EMMA...
IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN TALK TO ME.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
THAT'S FUNNY.
[EXHALES]
[IRRITATED SIGH]
THE GIRLS AT THE SALON TOLD ME YOU WERE ON BREAK.
ARE YOU SELLING ROSES IN RESTAURANTS?
WHAT'S WITH THE PENGUIN SUIT?
I WAS WEARING A T-SHIRT ON OUR WEDDING DAY.
AND I WANTED TO MAKE SURE I DID THIS RIGHT.
SPIKE, YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING.
AND IF YOU LET ME COME HOME
I'LL BE WORTHY OF YOU THIS TIME
BECAUSE YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU HURT ME.
I KNOW.
NO. YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.
I LOVED YOU SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN.
YOU WERE THE ONE GUY I THOUGHT WAS GOOD,
THE ONE GUY I WAS SURE I COULD COUNT ON.
COUNT ON ME NOW...
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
BECAUSE I'LL NEVER GIVE UP UNTIL YOU TAKE ME BACK.
[EXHALES]
♪ YOU ASK ME IF I LOVE YOU
♪ AND I CHOKE ON MY REPLY
♪ I'D RATHER HURT YOU HONESTLY
♪ THAN MISLEAD YOU WITH A LIE
♪ AND SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH
♪ THE HONESTY'S TOO MUCH
♪ AND I HAVE TO CLOSE MY EYES AND HIDE ♪
♪ I WANNA HOLD YOU-
OKAY. TWO CONDITIONS.
DONE.
NO KISSING ANYONE BUT ME -
EVER AGAIN!
AND NO SINGING EVER AGAIN.
[APPLAUSE]
HOW'D THE AUDITION GO?
SHE SAID I HAD "MOXIE".
WHICH MEANS...?
I HAVE AN AGENT!
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
AND I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I HEARD YOU FAINTED.
AND THESE DISMEMBERED MODELS ARE DISTURBING.
IT'S INSPIRATION.
FOR WHEN I WANT TO LOSE A POUND.
OKAY, BUT YOU'VE LOST, LIKE, SEVEN.
YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE ME.
I'M GROSS, MANNY.
I LOOK DISGUSTING.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU ATE?
A COUPLE DAYS AGO.
I FEEL GOOD.
BUT YOU LOOK SICK.
AND THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING, YOU MIGHT BE SICK.
OKAY. SNAKE'S BRINGING HIS SPECIAL LASAGNA OVER TONIGHT.
I'LL EAT SOME.
HE'S COMING BACK?
THAT'S THE JUICE.
AND I'M ALL OVER THAT LASAGNA.
MAY THIS DIET REST IN PEACE.
MANNY: GOOD.
BECAUSE I NEED YOU HEALTHY, EMMA.
YOU'RE MORE THAN JUST MY LIFESTYLE GURU, YOU KNOW.
ALL: [LAUGHING]
HEY, EVERYONE, CHEERS.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING FAMILY.
ALL: CHEERS!
OOP!
OH W-W-W-WAIT! ACTUALLY,
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
ARE YOU GUYS GONNA FINALLY STOP CALLING EACH OTHER
BY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL NICKNAMES?
MANNY: [CHUCKLES]
NOT A BAD IDEA, BUT NO.
UH, AS YOU ALL KNOW,
I STILL HAVE A MOTORCYCLE FUND.
WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO USE
NOT TO BUY ANOTHER MOTORCYCLE WITH,
BUT TO TAKE US ALL
TO THE SHOPPING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD -
NEW YORK CITY.
NEW YORK? ARE YOU SURE?
I'VE DONE ALL THE BORING, PRACTICAL MATH
AND WE'RE GOING, BABY.
SPIKE: ALL RIGHT!
WAIT. WHO'S INCLUDED IN "WE"?
WELL UM, YOU ARE PART OF THE NELSON-SIMPSON CLAN,
ARE YOU NOT?
I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU GUYS!
HOW MANY EMPTY SUITCASES CAN I BRING?
HEY, WHOA! HEY.
EMMA: OKAY, THIS IS- THIS IS BEYOND ANYTHING.
IT ACTUALLY MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
SO I'M GONNA GET THE CAMERA.
SIMPSON: OH YEAH! CHEERS GUYS!
SPIKE: CHEERS!
MANNY: CHEERS!
SIMPSON: WOO HOO!
[TOILET FLUSHES]